


Romanoff And Barton Are Dead

by NegativNein



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Iron Man (Movies), James Bond (Craig movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Civil War Team Iron Man, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 04:02:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14127648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NegativNein/pseuds/NegativNein
Summary: A daring rescue, a marriage, and two dead Avengers. Incredibly it's not Bond's mess, this time.





	Romanoff And Barton Are Dead

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starkind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkind/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Nanny Named Stark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12317118) by [starkind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkind/pseuds/starkind). 



> For starkind, who (inadvertently, I'm sure) got me thinking about Alfred & Tony as a couple.  
> A silly extended drabble, which doesn't go anywhere, but which will hopefully make you laugh a bit.

Tony picked up the phone: "Hey B"

A deep baritone spoke: "Selina and I just caught the news. Are you alright? How's Alfred?"

"We're both fine, but I should warn you... This is a mess, and the fallout might reach you as well. Sorry."

"Don't be, we chose to get involved. Just tell me what happened."

*

What happened? Well, Tony was just married and sort of meeting the in-laws in London, when...

*

No, before that. Tony was dying of boredom (and probably of his injuries) in that abandoned Siberian base when a technically dead but very much alive Bruce and Selina showed up to rescue him in fabulously tight catsuits and a totally-not-batmanish stealth jet.

*

And then Bruce had plopped him down at the Gotham penthouse: "No skipping out on recovery, Tony. Sorting out this mess can wait."

"But..."

"No buts. You'll stay here and you'll take care of yourself."

"What do you care, B, you're leaving anyway."

"True, I'm leaving. But I'm leaving you in great hands, too."

"B, that's a terrible pun, come on."

*

So Bruce left him in Alfred Pennyworth's efficient care.

And Tony healed. And inevitably he started talking. Talking to Alfred, of course, as no one else was around. How betrayed he felt. How tired, how alone. How he wanted nothing more than to go back to his tech and leave spying and politics to the professionals.

And Alfred talked back. How bored he was without a superhero to take care of. How singularly uninterested he was in running his inherited-again Wayne Enterprises, and how he longed to have one last masterful turn in _"the Great Game"._

*

As it turned out Tony and Alfred could help each other.

And so they hatched a plan and got married.

(And maybe Tony also loved Alfred's wit, and Alfred loved Tony's snark. And Tony had a fondness Alfred's cooking, and Alfred appreciated coming home to automated cleaning appliances. And maybe they both liked how the other looked in a suit.)

*

Tony became untouchable, heading both S.I. and W.E., with Lucius Fox and Pepper Potts both as his seconds in command. The stock just went up. Ultron became a distant memory for the financial community.

Alfred, free from those time consuming responsibilities, got back in the game and started discreetly feeling out some old contacts.

Bruce was luckily too bewildered at first to do much threatening - and too smart to be bewildered for long. He just issued a stern warning from his Tuscan _buen retiro_ not to mess this up.

*

They weren't going to mess it up. They had a plan, a slow careful plan.

*

As usual they had not accounted for the Avenger's sheer stupidity.

*

Tony started explaining: "What happened?!! B, we were having dinner with Alfred's godson, Gareth..."

Bruce facepalmed: "Gareth Mallory, head of MI6."

"Right, and the last head of MI6...

"...was hunted and killed by a rogue agent."

"Exactly. So when Romanoff, international fugitive, tried to approach..."

"...they shot first and opted to ask questions later."

"The MI6 man, an agent Bond, tried to keep it non lethal at first, but then Barton opened fire from his sniper's nest..."

"...and they clocked him in about three seconds, right?"

"They're pros, B. They had snipers too, and an agent Moneypenny - who, get this, is actually Mallory's secretary - made a perfect shot and got Barton."

"Shit. And Bond got Romanoff?"

"Mallory got Romanoff, Bond was already out in pursuit..."

"...and he found the other idiots being all obvious milling about in bright spandex, right?"

"Not quite. They were - surprisingly, I know - dressed as civilians, but Wanda had them shrouded in a red mist..."

"...and Bond neutralized her, I guess."

"She'll live. Rogers and Wilson too."

"What happened then, Tony? Was MI6 able to apprehend them?"

"Yes, with no shield and no wings Rogers and Wilson were cornered and taken away. Alfred tells me Wilson and Maximoff cracked under interrogation... and they've implicated Wakanda."

"Shit."

"Pretty much."

"So the plan to slowly but surely shift the focus from superheroes to planetary defense... ?"

"Busted, for now. Alfred is beyond pissed, you should see him."

"I shall, you clearly need the help of a superior intellect to sort out this mess."

"And would that superior intellect be yours, B? I'm wounded, man, wounded. Seriously, are you that bored making wine in Tuscany already?"

"You have no idea. And I fear Selina will start stealing even more pieces from the Uffizi, not just the ones no one cares about, if we don't get back into action soon. Never retire, Tony."

"I won't, don't worry. So, are you just coming back, or are you coming back from the dead? Because, you know, I've got your Wayne Enterprises now and that sweet little company's happier with me."

Bruce laughed: "The latter... we'll settle the finances in person, you gold-digger!"

Tony smiled: "Bring back a bottle, at least! We'll need some inspiration if we have to save the world together!"

"Gotcha. A bottle and, this time, NO... "

"...NO CAPES!"

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure about the ending... feedback, please? :)


End file.
